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High Impact Hiking & Camping
Leaving Your Mark on the Environment"
Earl Earl January 1998
Build
huge fires, always in different places. We need to help the earth
cleanse and renew itself. 20 litres of white gas will ignite even
the wettest wood. Burning plastic creates the most beautiful clouds
of thick, black, poisonous smoke.
Throw your
garbage everywhere. Bring some from home in case you run out.
If it takes 10,000 years to decompose, there's not a moment to
waste. Broken glass & beer cans give trails a sparkly, festive
look. Dirty engine oil belongs in the earth, back where it originally
came from.
Cut down trees
and branches wherever you find them. They just block the view
anyway. Bushes are just fire hazards, so stomp them flat. The
creatures which live in these places will just steal your food.
Those tree-hugging environmentalists will steal your food too,
and everything else. Watch out!
When you see
wildlife, throw rocks. Bring a sling-shot. We want to train the
varmints to stay away, and quit thieving our food. If you're a
good shot you might get yourself a squirrel or chickadee dinner,
or a coon-skin hat. BB guns & 22s are great fun too.
Always carry
spray paint, in a variety of bright colours. Natural colour schemes
are so painfully boring. Small wonder our species doesn't live
in the forest anymore.
Spray everything, including the bugs and any creatures you can
catch.
Wear bright
clothing and use highly visible tents and tarps. Rainbow and florescent
stuff is great. Nature blew it, so we have to do our part.
Always whiz
in the middle of the trail. When the deer dig at it to get the
salt, they will soften the earth so that it is easier to walk
on.
Walk around
puddles. You don't want to get your feet muddy and wet, do you?
Before long the trail will be wide enough for you to walk 3 or
4 abreast. Soon you can skip the hiking and just drive right through,
with your generator. Then you can carve your initials in dozens
of trees with an electric power router, just like a professional,
eh.
Always walk
single file in remote alpine clearings. In just a few passes you
can create a permanent trail. The vegetation won't come back for
a hundred years.
Pick all flowers
you see, in river valleys and alpine meadows, especially those
plants which need to seed or they will die. Any plant that fragile
will soon be extinct anyway. Give Nature a helping hand.
Rock rolling
is a very solemn spiritual activity. Those stones and huge boulders
have been waiting on the mountainside for thousands of years,
just for your momentary pleasure. Remember to yell "fore" once
you get them going.
Bring your
ghetto-blaster & air-horn on all your hiking trips. Make certain
the bears, chipmunks and other campers know exactly where you
are, even if they are many kilometres away. Camp right beside
others and crank it up. Everyone loves music, eh. |
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We are kidding, of course.
In fact, we have found this spoof to be a valuable tool for
teaching the "No Trace"
"Scouting Ahead" concept.
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