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Did
She Ever Own A Horse?
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Let's say a guy
named Roger is attracted to a women named Elaine. He asks her
out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few
nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.
They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither
one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when
they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without
really thinking she says it aloud:
"Do you realize that as of tonight
we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the
car. To Elaine it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to
herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe
he's feeling confined by our relationship and maybe he thinks
I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't
want or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh.
Six Months .
And Elaine is thinking: But Hey,
I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes
I wish I had a little more space so I'd have time to think about
whether I really want us to keep going in the way we are, moving
steadily toward...I mean. Where are we going? Are we just heading
toward marriage? Toward Children? Toward a lifetime together?
Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know
this person?
And Roger is thinking:...so that
means it was...let's see.. February when we started going out,
which was right after I had the car at the dealer's which means...lemme
check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change
here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset.
I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong.
Maybe he want more from our relationship, more intimacy, more
commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it --
that I was feeling reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's
why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings.
He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm
gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what
those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better
not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather?
It's 87 degrees out and this thing is shifting like a garbage
truck, and I paid those thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry.
And I don't blame him. I'd be angry too. I feel so guilty, putting
him through this but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not
sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll
probably say it's a 90 day warranty. That's exactly what they're
gonna say; the scumbags.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm
just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on
his white horse when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good
person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly care about,
a person who seems to care about me. A person who is in pain because
of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty?
They want a warranty? I'll give them a freaking warranty. I'll
take their warranty and stick it right up...
"Roger," Elaine says out loud.
"What?" says Roger startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like
this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. " Maybe
I should never have...Oh I feel so..." (She breaks down sobbing)
What?" says Roger .
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs.
" I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly.
There's no knight and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger
.
You think I'm a fool don't you?
"No," says Roger, glad to
finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...It's that I ...I
need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15 second pause while
Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe
response. Finally he finds one he thinks might work.)
Yes," he says."
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his
hand)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that
way?" she asks.
"What way?"
"That way about time," explains
Elaine.
"Oh", says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes
deeply into his eyes causing him to become nervous about what
she might say next, especially if it involves a horse)
"Thank you, Roger," says Elaine.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home and she lies
on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul and weeps until dawn,
whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos,
turns on the television and immediately becomes deeply involved
in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never
heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him
that something major was going on back in the car, but he is pretty
sure there is no way he would ever understand what, so he figures
it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her
closest friend, or perhaps two of them and they will talk about
this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail they
will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going
over it time and time again exploring every word, expression,
and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible
ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off
and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions,
but never getting bored with it either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball
one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just
before serving, frown and say:
"Norm...Did Elaine ever own a
horse?"
Dave Barry - "Dave Barry's Complete
Guide to Guys" published by Random House 1995 |
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